PUDDLES THE TURTLE

I recall the moment vividly: Jessica and I are casually traipsing the aisles of Walmart in search of the perfect gift for a six-year-old, something uniquely Bashy. We happened upon a fish tank (yes, Walmart has everything!) and recalled instantly Sebastian’s persistent birthday wish…the one thing he’s asked for over and over: a turtle. Perhaps he’s ready, we thought.

I, on the other hand, was so very not!

Let me preface by saying, I am a dog parent. If I’m to have a pet in the house, it must always be a dog. I realized this truth exactly one day after owning a turtle. I know dogs. I LOVE dogs. I’ve spoken and communed with dogs ever since I was, yup, six years old! What was I thinking? How hard would it have been to convince Sebastian to want a dog instead of a turtle? In fact, we are actively in search of a new dog because Jessica really, really wants a Cavalier King Charles spaniel, and we’re hoping to find one to rescue. We should have just done THAT! But no, for some reason, getting Sebastian a turtle seemed a good idea.

How hard could it be to care for a turtle?

Pretty damn hard!

The thing is, this household does not take pet companionship lightly. If an animal is to live here, it must be WELL taken care of, and perhaps my own standards around this were placed too high considering Sebastian’s age. Sure, he’s eager to help and loves his turtle, but caring for these little guys is not easy.

Jessica and I decided we would purchase the glass aquarium at Walmart and place it among Sebastian’s gifts. We then explained to him we would go as a family to pick out his turtle a few days later.

So where do we get the turtle, I asked.

The pulga, Jessie responded.

Great, so where, I asked.

The pulga, she now yelled frustratedly.

Si, pero donde ‘sta, I asked in my exasperated broken Spanish.

We figured it best to go the more traditional route and try a pet store.

So I got to work on how to care for a turtle, different species, equipment, food, etc.

My preliminary conclusion: they both make and need a ton of shit!

The day drew closer and closer, Sebastian was getting more and more excited. I should note here, telling Sebastian anything ahead of time is a gamble of one’s sanity. He will ask you every hour on the hour, every day, seemingly every second sometimes, if it’s time to do the thing you told him you’d do.

In this case, Dada, is today turtle day? No? OK. [Literally three seconds latter] Is today turtle day?

Turtle day finally came. We giddily traveled to the pet store, Sebastian thinking of nothing but his new turtle and me thinking of a video I watched on YouTube of a turtle eating lettuce, yet, as I drove to the store, I imagined the turtle was hungrily eating cash out of my wallet instead.

Sebastian spots a seemingly playful red eared slider in the tank. Native species, good choice. How hard can it be? He names the turtle Puddles. I mean, how brilliant is that? Puddles the turtle. Great name.

Oh, by the way…I forgot to mention, that 10-gallon tank we got at Walmart? Nope! Not big enough, not even close to big enough for a good turtle habitat. You need, at LEAST, 40 gallons of soul-sucking water churning bubbles via the loudest interior tank filter known to humankind! You see that picture of me staring STUPIDLY at a computer screen? Yup, that’s me, a sucker, learning about the myriad crap one must purchase to humanely care for a turtle: tank, filter, tank warmer, water conditioner, food, decorations, basking lamps! God damn BASKING LAMPS!

I took the tank back to Walmart the day before turtle day. I then trekked to PetsMart to purchase a 40-gallon turtle tank. It came as a kit with a small interior filter that served as a basking pad, lamps and bulbs. It even had coupons for food and more equipment. All in all, a great deal. It was as if Satan put the contract for your soul on ultra premium lustre paper.

So here we go, Sebastian has Puddles in a paper crate in his lap as we’re driving home. He’s happy. He tells me I made his dream come true. What else could a father want to hear. I mean, I’m feeling like a damn hero…at the time. I get to work setting up Puddles’ tank while the children are trying to feed him fresh lettuce from the garden. I walked pitchers of water back and forth from the bathroom. Yes, like an idiot, I figured it would be best to partially fill a 40-gallon space with pitchers…like the ones you use to pour guests water. Pitchers!

Took forever.

But the filter was flowing, the water was clean, tank has pre-washed and treated river pebbles on the bottom, and we were eager to put Puddles in his new home.

But Puddles wasn’t happy.

Now, I read a bunch about turtles, particularly red eared sliders. They like to bask and swim, and if they’re doing too much of either, it’s not a great sign. Check water temperature, water conditioning, etc. Just double check everything, which I did, and he wasn’t getting any better. Basically, he was on his basking pad the whole time and had no desire to go in his water, which is bad because the turtle could dehydrate. The turtle became a concern. I was poking my head in every five minutes to see if it moved or went for a swim. Nada!

Ok, time for plan B…let’s reconfigure everything, start from scratch. Set the whole tank up again.

Remember my whole thing with pitchers? Why that seems so absurd? Well, you really don’t realize how dumb something like that is until you have to empty, clean and refill a 40-gallon land/water hybrid environment for the new pet that made your son’s childhood dreams come true. 40 gallons is A LOT! Not to mention turtles have a bunch of yucky stuff on them that’s perfectly normal to them but could give its unwitting caretaker the mega-poops, so best not to fling that water around your kids room, or your eyes or mouth and be as careful as possible.

I spent the better half of the day back at PetsMart buying new gear. I bought a whole set of cleaning supplies, a drainage pump and a new filter. I also bought a new heater and a brand new basking rock to place inside.

Extremely green to aquarium cleaning and care, the whole process took me HOURS! But I redid Puddles’ whole environment and even gave him an elevated basking pad so the majority of the tank can be for his swimming movement.

He didn’t like it.

He could get on the basking pad, but not off of it…whatever that was.

He seemed lethargic and unimpressed with everything. A few times I peeked in his tank and thought him dead. Seriously, I was already trying to come up with how I would explain to Sebastian.

Well, Puddles didn’t die. I needed him to hold on for one more night so I could do another tank reconfiguration. Yes, I rearranged his tank AGAIN! I took off the damn elevated basking pad because it confused him, placed his basking rock inside and refreshed his water. Again!

He seems fine now. I expect no less from a member of this family. All pains in the ass, every one of us. But hey, dreams come true. Hopefully, Puddles hangs on.

But let me say this, if I had a time machine, I would go back to that Walmart, find me, slap my head and remind myself that I AM A DOG PARENT and I should stay a dog parent!

Welcome to the family, Puddles…you fucker!